This is officially the most hilarious guy on twitter. Follow him @KKAIThani for more Psychotic jokes.
- Everytime I see a bird walking I’m like “YOU CAN FLY WHY ARE YOU WALKING” then I run them over.
- Would google earth find my location if I’m living in denial?
- If Apple doesn’t find a solution for iMessage as soon as possible, I’m going to dig up Steve Jobs and make him find one.
- If this is Apple’s way of reminding us that our lives depend on them, well then its working now please stop!
- “Hello Apple? Ya, if iMessage doesn’t work ASAP I’m going to buy a blackberry. Haha ok I’m not that dumb but please find a solution quick.”
- “Hey Apple, what if the person I like finally decides to text me but iMessage is down? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU WANT ME TO BE ALONE L
- Apples are pretty racist to be honest. You never see a green one and a red one hanging out of the same tree. It disgusts me.
- I dream of a better world where vegetables forgive tomatoes for whatever crime they did and let them back to the vegetable club.
- Everyone keeps accusing me of being a paranoid narcissist but I know they just want to kill me for my good looks.
- An adult male in front me just took a picture of his food before eating it and now I wish north Korea would bomb this restaurant.
- Shout out to the fat guy who just took the elevator instead of the stairs after leaving the gym. You’ll loose weight in no time.
- Someone just saw me tying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.
- If you can judge someone before knowing them you’re an idiot and we should watch each back because our kind is rare these days.
- Just had a fake laugh for 10 minutes to a boring story and I’m pretty sure I lost 10 years of my life.
- Sips coffee while scrolling down my timeline and judging everyone.
- I’ve done many things I’m not proud of in my life but at least I’ve never called anyone “baby”
- Having a bad say? For every episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, each Kardashian makes $80,000. I hope this cheered you up a little.
- The guys sitting at the table next to me are having a conversation instead of staring at their phones like some kind of cavemen.
- Happy birthday Justin Bieber. As a true Belieber I’ll celebrate this day by blasting your songs in my car and driving myself off a cliff.
- I eat every meal like I’m going to be deported to Africa the next day or something.
- The early bird catches the worm. So unless you like having worms for breakfast, don’t be the first one to get out of bed and go to work.
- Somewhere right now, a girl just got stabbed by a man after taking a long time ordering a Starbucks. I know this cause that man was me.
- Justin Bieber fainted on stage last night. For a few seconds, millions of people around the world were worried that he didn’t die.
- “Hey.” “Don’t talk to me.” “Why.” “I waved at you the other day and you didn’t wave back.” “I didn’t see you!” “That’s not my problem.”
- I wonder if people who call radio stations to request songs know about the internet.
- Whenever I open a new pack of sliced bread, I take out the first one, bring it close to my chest and whisper “I love you just the way you are.”
- Every time I successfully avoid someone I know in public, I hear the “hallelujah” theme song in my head.
- You can tell a lot about a person by holding them hostage and asking them questions.
- Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.
- “I eat what I want and never get fat” – People I hate.
- Hello 911, if a Bieber song comes on radio and your friend starts singing along, can I murder him? PLEASE I BEG YOU JUST THIS ONCE.
- “Dad, why did your generation find a fat guy singing in Korean & pretending to ride a horse entertaining?”
- “I don’t know son, I don’t know”
- Cupcakes are just muffins that went to fashion school.
- I’m sure the United States would help the Syrian people if they ask politely. For example, they could say “please. We have oil.”
- “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” – People who have never seen a flying cockroach.
- Sorry I couldn’t make it today. I forgot that I had made plans to stay home and do nothing.
- Khloe Kardashian is the crocs of the Kardashians.
- I hate when I make eye contact with a stranger and they smile and I have to smile back. It puts a lot of pressure on me.
- Today in 1992, Rodney King said, “Can we all get along?” SPOILER ALERT: We can’t.
- Ask your mom who her favorite child is. If she says she loves all her children equally, well, sorry, but it’s not you.
- Marriage can be hazardous to your health. On the other hand divorce is hazardous to your wealth. So choose wisely.
- “Having my baby…what a lovely way to say how much you love me…” Sure is—as long as you have the cash.”
- Again, we aren’t arguing that having a baby isn’t “worth it.” Just that there are pros and cons to every major life decision, and if you can’t live with the cons, pay attention to this final figure: The dollar investment in a single condom has a 9 million percent return compared to the cost of raising a child.
- If you love someone, set them free. If they flap their wings and fly away, it’s a bird. You were in love with a bird.
- I live in constant fear o getting asked my opinion about something when I wasn’t even listening.
- Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out she’s been cheated on.
- I hate when I take a day off from the gym and it becomes a lifestyle.
- Watching a program about apes trying to make it in the real world. Wait, no, its ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’
- I have two feelings, its either “I’m hungry” or “I shouldn’t have eaten this much.”
- A guy is giving a speech about “doing what you love.” I’m on the right track cause I don’t only love sleep, but I am passionate about it too.
- If it takes you more than 3 words to order a drink at Starbucks, we can’t be friends.
- Keep your fiends close and your F.R.I.E.N.D.S DVD closer.
- Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one mourning Mufasa’s death.
- Everytime I see a really old man with a much younger woman, I think to myself “Wow, it must be because he’s a really nice guy.”
- I bet the people who have “can’t describe myself in 160 characters” on their bio are the same ones who never shut up in real life.
- Did they shave off a little bit of your brain when you had that haircut?
- 10 years ago we had Steve Hope, Bob Cash and Johnny Jobs. Now we lost the ability to match the right first name with the right last name.
- My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.
- When I’m at a friend’s house and there are snacks, all I’m thinking is “How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?
- Roses are red, violets are blue, sunflowers are yellow, lilies are white. Wow this florist has everything.
- Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will make me over-think stuff so please just break my bones.
- “I told you we’d invade Europe one day!!” – Hitler in his grave right now.
- A girl at the restaurant was about to eat her food before I stood up and yelled, “STOP. THIS IS NOT THE THIRD WORLD LADY, ISTAGRAM IT FIRST.”
- Don’t judge people you don’t know. Get to know them first. I guarantee that you’ll have more stuff to judge them with.
- The only thing standing between you and greatness is you & literally millions of smarter, more talented and ambitious people than you. Good luck.
- People who say “you know my name, not my story” are the same ones I wish I never knew their name.”
- I want to have kids one day but what if I have a daughter and she becomes obsessed with some boy band? I don’t know if I can take that risk.
- If a relationship is when you think about them when they’re far and you never want to leave them, then I’m in a relationship. With my bed.
- Justin Bieber “You gotta make people laugh in life.” Me “Is that why you’re making songs?”
- Sometimes when the weather is beautiful, I wonder if its doing it for the attention it would get on Instagram.
- What I think when I’m eating alone: “I love this.” What everyone else is thinking: “What a looser”
- Do you think those body-buileders who wear really tight shirts look at themselves in the mirror before leaving the house?
- My brain does this funny thing where it doesn’t store names of people I don’t care about.
- Cop: “Can you step out of the car.” Me: “Its ‘may you…’ Cop: “May you step out of the car.” Me: “Its April.” …………….. tweeting from jail.
- Kim Kardashian: “Everyday be thankful for one thing. What are you thankful for today?” Me: “That I’m not a Kardashian.”
- I always forget the amount of time you give someone to text you back before you go over and set their house on fire… is it 5 or 6 minutes?
- The media are calling two men ‘terrorists’ but I think they shouldn’t make those crazy assumption until they make sure they’re Muslim.
- Dear locked accounts, you’re not that important. Trust me.
- In high school I was voted ‘most likely to succeed’ and ‘most likely to lie about his past’
- Pretty cool how your dreams went from ‘Astronaut’ to ‘Doctor’ to ‘what’s the lowest I can get to pass this course?’
- Do women with drawn eyebrows know we can see them?
- Its not stalking if you’re really careful and make sure they never find out.
- Man’s worst nightmare: ‘Going shopping’ Woman’s worst nightmare: ‘A man who loves shopping’
- Didn’t have internet on my phone for 5 minutes. Never felt lonelier in life.
- A girl was laughing and running with excitement towards me and at that moment, I knew, there is a Starbucks behind me.
- Kristen Steward looks pretty good for someone who’s facial expression is always, “I murdered someone”
- They just played “Call me maybe” at the gym and now I’m cancelling my membership maybe.
- I can’t believe its 2013 and we still don’t know the identity of the person who let the dogs out.
- Hey people who order salad instead of fries as their side order, why do you hate yourself?
- “Follow me for the wrong decisions.” – Your heart.
- “Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – How waiters should greet people.
- If you can judge someone before knowing them you are an idiot and we should watch each other’s back because our kind is rare these days.
- Probably the most popular diet is one where you start your day by eating like a rabbit and ending it by eating like a grizzly bear.
