PSYCHOTIC HUMOUR.


This is officially the most hilarious guy on twitter. Follow him @KKAIThani for more Psychotic jokes.

  • Everytime I see a bird walking I’m like “YOU CAN FLY WHY ARE YOU WALKING” then I run them over.
  • Would google earth find my location if I’m living in denial?
  • If Apple doesn’t find a solution for iMessage as soon as possible, I’m going to dig up Steve Jobs and make him find one.
  • If this is Apple’s way of reminding us that our lives depend on them, well then its working now please stop!
  • “Hello Apple? Ya, if iMessage doesn’t work ASAP I’m going to buy a blackberry. Haha ok I’m not that dumb but please find a solution quick.”
  • “Hey Apple, what if the person I like finally decides to text me but iMessage is down? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU WANT ME TO BE ALONE L
  • Apples are pretty racist to be honest. You never see a green one and a red one hanging out of the same tree. It disgusts me.
  • I dream of a better world where vegetables forgive tomatoes for whatever crime they did and let them back to the vegetable club.
  • Everyone keeps accusing me of being a paranoid narcissist but I know they just want to kill me for my good looks.
  • An adult male in front me just took a picture of his food before eating it and now I wish north Korea would bomb this restaurant.
  • Shout out to the fat guy who just took the elevator instead of the stairs after leaving the gym. You’ll loose weight in no time.
  • Someone just saw me tying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.
  • If you can judge someone before knowing them you’re an idiot and we should watch each back because our kind is rare these days.
  • Just had a fake laugh for 10 minutes to a boring story and I’m pretty sure I lost 10 years of my life.
  • Sips coffee while scrolling down my timeline and judging everyone.
  • I’ve done many things I’m not proud of in my life but at least I’ve never called anyone “baby”
  • Having a bad say? For every episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, each Kardashian makes $80,000. I hope this cheered you up a little.
  • The guys sitting at the table next to me are having a conversation instead of staring at their phones like some kind of cavemen.
  • Happy birthday Justin Bieber. As a true Belieber I’ll celebrate this day by blasting your songs in my car and driving myself off a cliff.
  • I eat every meal like I’m going to be deported to Africa the next day or something.
  • The early bird catches the worm. So unless you like having worms for breakfast, don’t be the first one to get out of bed and go to work.
  • Somewhere right now, a girl just got stabbed by a man after taking a long time ordering a Starbucks. I know this cause that man was me.
  • Justin Bieber fainted on stage last night. For a few seconds, millions of people around the world were worried that he didn’t die.
  • “Hey.” “Don’t talk to me.” “Why.” “I waved at you the other day and you didn’t wave back.” “I didn’t see you!” “That’s not my problem.”
  • I wonder if people who call radio stations to request songs know about the internet.
  • Whenever I open a new pack of sliced bread, I take out the first one, bring it close to my chest and whisper “I love you just the way you are.”
  • Every time I successfully avoid someone I know in public, I hear the “hallelujah” theme song in my head.
  • You can tell a lot about a person by holding them hostage and asking them questions.
  • Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.
  • “I eat what I want and never get fat” – People I hate.
  • Hello 911, if a Bieber song comes on radio and your friend starts singing along, can I murder him? PLEASE I BEG YOU JUST THIS ONCE.
  • “Dad, why did your generation find a fat guy singing in Korean & pretending to ride a horse entertaining?”
  • “I don’t know son, I don’t know”
  • Cupcakes are just muffins that went to fashion school.
  • I’m sure the United States would help the Syrian people if they ask politely. For example, they could say “please. We have oil.”
  • “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” – People who have never seen a flying cockroach.
  • Sorry I couldn’t make it today. I forgot that I had made plans to stay home and do nothing.
  • Khloe Kardashian is the crocs of the Kardashians.
  • I hate when I make eye contact with a stranger and they smile and I have to smile back. It puts a lot of pressure on me.
  • Today in 1992, Rodney King said, “Can we all get along?” SPOILER ALERT: We can’t.
  • Ask your mom who her favorite child is. If she says she loves all her children equally, well, sorry, but it’s not you.
  • Marriage can be hazardous to your health. On the other hand divorce is hazardous to your wealth. So choose wisely.
  • “Having my baby…what a lovely way to say how much you love me…” Sure is—as long as you have the cash.”
  • Again, we aren’t arguing that having a baby isn’t “worth it.” Just that there are pros and cons to every major life decision, and if you can’t live with the cons, pay attention to this final figure: The dollar investment in a single condom has a 9 million percent return compared to the cost of raising a child.
  • If you love someone, set them free. If they flap their wings and fly away, it’s a bird. You were in love with a bird.
  • I live in constant fear o getting asked my opinion about something when I wasn’t even listening.
  • Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out she’s been cheated on.
  • I hate when I take a day off from the gym and it becomes a lifestyle.
  • Watching a program about apes trying to make it in the real world. Wait, no, its ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’
  • I have two feelings, its either “I’m hungry” or “I shouldn’t have eaten this much.”
  • A guy is giving a speech about “doing what you love.” I’m on the right track cause I don’t only love sleep, but I am passionate about it too.
  • If it takes you more than 3 words to order a drink at Starbucks, we can’t be friends.
  • Keep your fiends close and your F.R.I.E.N.D.S DVD closer.
  • Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one mourning Mufasa’s death.
  • Everytime I see a really old man with a much younger woman, I think to myself “Wow, it must be because he’s a really nice guy.”
  • I bet the people who have “can’t describe myself in 160 characters” on their bio are the same ones who never shut up in real life.
  • Did they shave off a little bit of your brain when you had that haircut?
  • 10 years ago we had Steve Hope, Bob Cash and Johnny Jobs. Now we lost the ability to match the right first name with the right last name.
  • My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.
  • When I’m at a friend’s house and there are snacks, all I’m thinking is “How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, sunflowers are yellow, lilies are white. Wow this florist has everything.
  • Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will make me over-think stuff so please just break my bones.
  • “I told you we’d invade Europe one day!!” – Hitler in his grave right now.
  • A girl at the restaurant was about to eat her food before I stood up and yelled, “STOP. THIS IS NOT THE THIRD WORLD LADY, ISTAGRAM IT FIRST.”
  • Don’t judge people you don’t know. Get to know them first. I guarantee that you’ll have more stuff to judge them with.
  • The only thing standing between you and greatness is you & literally millions of smarter, more talented and ambitious people than you. Good luck.
  • People who say “you know my name, not my story” are the same ones I wish I never knew their name.”
  • I want to have kids one day but what if I have a daughter and she becomes obsessed with some boy band? I don’t know if I can take that risk.
  • If a relationship is when you think about them when they’re far and you never want to leave them, then I’m in a relationship. With my bed.
  • Justin Bieber “You gotta make people laugh in life.” Me “Is that why you’re making songs?”
  • Sometimes when the weather is beautiful, I wonder if its doing it for the attention it would get on Instagram.
  • What I think when I’m eating alone: “I love this.” What everyone else is thinking: “What a looser”
  • Do you think those body-buileders who wear really tight shirts look at themselves in the mirror before leaving the house?
  • My brain does this funny thing where it doesn’t store names of people I don’t care about.
  • Cop: “Can you step out of the car.” Me: “Its ‘may you…’ Cop: “May you step out of the car.” Me: “Its April.”  …………….. tweeting from jail.
  • Kim Kardashian: “Everyday be thankful for one thing. What are you thankful for today?” Me: “That I’m not a Kardashian.”
  • I always forget the amount of time you give someone to text you back before you go over and set their house on fire… is it 5 or 6 minutes?
  • The media are calling two men ‘terrorists’ but I think they shouldn’t make those crazy assumption until they make sure they’re Muslim.
  • Dear locked accounts, you’re not that important. Trust me.
  • In high school I was voted ‘most likely to succeed’ and ‘most likely to lie about his past’
  • Pretty cool how your dreams went from ‘Astronaut’ to ‘Doctor’ to ‘what’s the lowest I can get to pass this course?’
  • Do women with drawn eyebrows know we can see them?
  • Its not stalking if you’re really careful and make sure they never find out.
  • Man’s worst nightmare: ‘Going shopping’ Woman’s worst nightmare: ‘A man who loves shopping’
  • Didn’t have internet on my phone for 5 minutes. Never felt lonelier in life.
  • A girl was laughing and running with excitement towards me and at that moment, I knew, there is a Starbucks behind me.
  • Kristen Steward looks pretty good for someone who’s facial expression is always, “I murdered someone”
  • They just played “Call me maybe” at the gym and now I’m cancelling my membership maybe.
  • I can’t believe its 2013 and we still don’t know the identity of the person who let the dogs out.
  • Hey people who order salad instead of fries as their side order, why do you hate yourself?
  • “Follow me for the wrong decisions.” – Your heart.
  • “Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – How waiters should greet people.
  • If you can judge someone before knowing them you are an idiot and we should watch each other’s back because our kind is rare these days.
  • Probably the most popular diet is one where you start your day by eating like a rabbit and ending it by eating like a grizzly bear.

PSYCHOTIC HUMOR 4


Happy 7th Birthday Twitter. Connecting people online and disconnecting them from reality since 2006 (@KKAlThani)

I saw someone tweet “I can’t wait until 13/13/13.” Let’s take a moment and pray for this dumbass.” (@OMGFunniest)

“Awww, someone needs a hug!” “Touch me and you die.”

I’ve been disappointed so many times; not giving a fuck is almost a reflex. (@Hilarious_Idiot)

I hate when a stranger smiles at me and I have to smile back and pretend I’m not dead inside. (@KKAlThani)

Twenty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don’t let Kevin Bacon die. (@MenHumor)

Me: “Wow I’m actually happy right now!” Life: “Lol hold on just a minute.”

My alarm clock probably thinks I have anger management issues. (@OMGFunniest)

Only your best friend understands that when you say “I saw my boyfriend today” you are referring to the hot guy that has no clue you exist.

Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: laughs hysterically makes pterodactyl noise transforms into a potato and rolls off into the sunset. (@Hilarious_Idiot)

Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: I’m not even physically active.

The awkward moment when you’re chilling at the park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging a piano… (@Hilarious_Idiot)

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.

Humans have sent men to the moon & discovered the secrets of the deepest oceans, yet still have no clue why the chicken crossed the road. (@KKAlThani)

Can’t wait for Adele’s baby to grow up and leave her so she can release a new song called “Never Mind I’ll Reproduce Someone Like You” (@KKAlThani)

Every night before I sleep I think about my achievements that day. Just kidding! I stare at my phone till I fall asleep. (@KKAlThani)

I can’t decide who deserves the death sentence more, a serial killer or a person who asks you a question when you have food in your mouth. (@KKAlThani)

Woah. Just saw a couple arguing and right when the woman was going to say “You’re righ-” she got struck by lightning and died on the spot. (@KKAlThani)

When I hear that a man was killed by a lion, I don’t feel bad for him. I mean what were you expecting it to do, invite you over for tea? (@KKAlThani)

Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic. (@KKAlThani)

When people don’t laugh at my jokes I just assume that they’re not up to my level of comedy.

My Mom seems torn between her love of her Catholic faith and her racism against Latin people. (@MikeDrucker)

People ask me things they can google. #FirstWorldProblems

My full-time, salaried job with benefits is not morally rewarding. #FirstWorldProblems

My wife asked me to hold her Starbucks cup for a minute. Now everyone thinks I’m trying to be trendy. #FirstWorldProblems

The gas pump wouldn’t take my credit card, so I had to go in the store, like some second class citizen. #FirstWorldProblems

Whenever I mention something concerning a gay person I have to also mention that I’m not homophobic because I live in the US. #FirstWorldProblems

US was placed alphabetically instead of at the top of a drop down menu, so I had to scroll down like some kind of Ugandan #FirstWorldProblems

My wife made bread. It’s delicious, but I have to slice it myself like some kind of Mesopotamian. #FirstWorldProblems

It’s 2013 and my wife still asks me how to spell things when she’s sitting at the computer #FirstWorldProblems

Autocorrect changed my “haha” to “hahahaha” and now I seem too excited. #FirstWorldProblems

There’s very few young farmers so I have a hard time finding people I can relate to. #FirstWorldProblems

I I have money but feel bad if I waste it, so I never end up buying nice things. #FirstWorldProblems

I’m so lonely. But I hate everyone I know. #FirstWorldProblems

My life is so good, I haven’t been able to think of a first world problem for months. #FirstWorldProblems

I’m far too hangover to sleep off this hangover #FirstWorldProblems

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like can I have some and I’m like no fuck off what do you think this is a charity. (@TopL4ughs)

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. (@TopL4ughs)

I hate when people on YouTube say, ‘like if you’re watching this in 2013′ . It’s like nooo I’m watching this in 1500 BC on my iStone.( @TopL4ughs)

Broke ass niggas talking about they want a RIDE or DIE bitch. Fuk Yuh Mean What yall gon do ? RIDE the bus together & DIE of starvation ???

Mom: Clean your room. We’re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn’t realize that dinner will be held in my room. (@OMGFunniest)

If you hate the “haters” that makes you a hater. Yes, logic is a b!tch.(@OMGFunniest)

87% of young people have back pain. The other 13% don’t have a computer.

The like and share button on Facebook can now cure cancer, feed starving kids, donate money to charity and pray for a dead person. (@OMGFunniest)

Don’t worry, you won’t die alone. There will be plenty of people around celebrating. (@Time4Depression)

“What time is it?” “Its 10 til 9.” “………so its 8 fucking 50. I don’t need your goddamn time language.” (@SpeakComedy)

You’ve got questions. I’ve got extremely brief answers. (@HPAdvice)

When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now? I make life decisions in there. (@SpeakComedy)

And then God created Saturn. And he liked it, so he put a ring on it. (@SpeakComedy)

“Why didn’t u answer my call?!” … “Because i was dancing to my ringtone.” (@SpeakComedy)

You don’t know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud. (@awkwardposts)

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT when you realize you could’ve had it all but then you started rolling in the deep.

1)Buy fake baby 2)Go to a kid’s hospital 3)Sit in waiting room 4)Stand up & yell “I didn’t even want you” 5)Throw baby on the floor & leave

That one kid in class that can ask the teacher random questions to get them off topic: We love you dude :)

Will someone please love Taylor Swift so she’ll be quiet. (@Hilarious_Idiot)

Has anyone bothered to wake up Green Day when September ended? It’s the middle of March and I’m starting to worry. (@Hilarious_Idiot)

I never stalk you on social networks, I’m not crazy. Just kidding! Why did you follow that guy 43 seconds after he followed you? ANSWER ME.

That moment of happiness when you find out that everyone hates the same person you hate. (@MenHumor)

Guess what I saw today???? Everything I looked at. (@MenHumor)

Shine bright like a bacon… (@MenHumor)

Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything. (@KKAlThani)

Time heals everything. Well, maybe not going blind. Or being paralysed. Or getting eaten by a lion. This quote is stupid. (@KKAlThani)

Nothing feels better than love. Except maybe cookies. And pizza. And winning the lottery. And punching a cop. And hugging a panda. (@KKAlThani)

Look, lying on my bed all day isn’t being lazy. I’m just waiting. And you know what they say “Good things come to those who wait”.(@KKAlThani)

People say love is the best feeling, But I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.

2.84% of the world’s yearly deaths are intentional (suicide, war, violence), while 3.15% are simply caused by diarrhea. (@UberFacts)

Having to delete songs for making room in your iPod is like having to kill some of your children

When People Have Food: Hey, sharing is caring. When I Have Food: Get away from me you filthy animals.

PSYCHOTIC HUMOR 3


A collection of the funniest tweets this week :D

  1. You know you’re drunk when your cat barks. (@iQuoteComedy)
  2. Catholics, why do you acquiesce to the deaths of millions of the world’s poorest people by teaching them that condoms are worse than Aids?
  3. I was asked at an interview yesterday: “what are your strengths?” I replied: “Not having any weaknesses…”(@Hilarious_Idiot)
  4. That joke was so corny; it could feed a chicken for five years. (@omgthatspunny)
  5. I’m not an astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun and not you.
  6. Person 1: “I sometimes think I don’t belong hear.” Person 2: “I think you should be suing your English teacher for fraud!”
  7. Waitress: Have I kept you waiting long? Me: No, but did you know there are 3,296 squares on the ceiling?
  8. Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I’ve never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.
  9. RT If you’re a strong black women, who don’t need no man! (@TheFunnySayings)
  10. You will finally meet the man of your dreams, which sounds like good news until you remember some of your dreams. (@Horriblescopes_)
  11. “I’m so glad you’re putting yourself out there!” = “I’m so glad you’re desperately trying to get a boyfriend.” #RealTalk (@WomensHumor)
  12. I don’t have necessarily high standards, but I think teeth are a must-have. (@WomensHumor)
  13. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck. (@Hilarious_Idiot)
  14. One time the scoop of ice cream fell off the cone when I was about to eat it. So yes, I’ve loved and I’ve lost.
  15. Everyone will be full of praise and admiration for you this week. But don’t let it go to your head. This is standard procedure at funerals. (@Horriblescopes_)
  16. Cheer up: Nobody ever died of a broken heart. Unless, that is, you count suicides, depression-related anemia or heart attacks. (@Horriblescopes_)
  17. Today is not, in fact, the first day of the rest of your life. That was a few weeks ago. Today is Wednesday. (@Horriblescopes_)
  18. It’s rare that people can live a happy, healthy life without friends, so the crushing depression you’re feeling is perfectly normal. (@Horriblescopes_)
  19. You are a spoiled, abrasive, willfully ignorant bitch. However, life will be easy for you, thanks to your magnificent rack. (@Horriblescopes_)
  20. People from your sign are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you’re such a goddamned looser. (@Horriblescopes_)
  21. It’s not that people won’t care when you get hit by a bus. It’s just that they know an attention-craving person when they see one. (@Horriblescopes_)
  22.  This week you will prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy when you run a bus load of orphans off a cliff. (@Horriblescopes_)
  23. @Horriblescopes_You will meet a charming, handsome man and instantly fall in love. Of course, this will destroy your relationship with your wife and 3 kids.
  24. I saw a unicorn today. Okay fine, I saw a girl who ate her food without Instagramming it first.
  25. I think every girl is pretty. Except for the ugly ones. (@BadAdviceDog)
  26. After seeing the new Twilight movie, your girlfriend will be compelled to stab your throat and eat your corpse. Shoot her before she goes. (@Horriblescopes_)
  27. There’s nothing like a nice, quiet environment to make me start maniacally stressing about everything. (@WomensHumor)
  28. Whenever I have a problem, I sing. Then I realize my voice is worse than the problem.
  29. Hush little white girl don’t you cry, daddy’s gonna buy you an iPhone 5.
  30. “I’m 15 and my boyfriend is 30, is that bad?” “You spelt dad wrong.”
  31. Nicki Minaj being a judge on American Idol is like Taylor Swift giving relationship advice.
  32. One day, I will fly into the sunset with my unicorn. RT@taylorswift13: One day, I will find true love.
  33. People who say the worst feeling is loving someone who doesn’t love you back have never waved back at someone who was wasn’t waving at them.
  34. Sometimes I look at the beautiful sky and the trees and wonder why I’m not looking at my phone instead.
  35. I dream of a better world. A world where people are not judged by the color of their skin but by the color of their iPhone.
  36. Zebras are just donkeys that have a criminal record.
  37. The best thing to do when your card gets declined at a restaurant is to change your name, move to another country & start all over again. (@KKAlThani)
  38. Next time the shopping assistant asks “Looking for anything in particular?”, look him in the eye and say “Friends” and start crying. (@KKAlThani)
  39. When you get ill coz of staying away from the internet for too long, just take two Samsung tablets.
  40. One does not simply take North Korea’s “threats” seriously. (@_DoesNotSimply_)
  41. I don’t get a tan when I swim because I have an indoor pool. #FirstWorldProblems
  42. “Aaacchhooo!” “Bless you” “Aaaaaacchhoooooo!” “Bless you!” “Aaaaaaaaacchhooooooooo!” “Dude, what the hell?!” (@Hilarious_Idiot)
  43. I have a new BMW, so all my friends want me to drive on road trips. #FirstWorldProblems
  44. I thought I saw an open parking space and find out there’s a small car in it. #FirstWorldProblems
  45. An attractive person: “Hey :)” Me: “Is this some kind of sick joke…” (@awkwardposts)
  46. Easter: the day Jesus slapped YOLO in the face. (@awkwardposts)
  47. This cupcake just cried “Why won’t you Instagram me? Am I that ugly?” & I had to explain that I don’t have Instagram. See what you guys did. (@KKAlThani)
  48. I don’t know what’s up with this bottle of vodka, but I’m going to get to the bottom of it.
  49. “Are you talking back to me!?” “Yes mom, that’s how a conversation works”
  50. I noticed you forgot to tattoo my name on you. So I did it for you while you were asleep (@OvrlyAttachdGF)
  51. Just saw two 10 year old boys sharing a cigarette. I was really shocked and upset so I gave them money to buy a pack. (Khalifa ‏@KKAlThani)
  52. I hate life. I hate all nine of them. (@CatsGrumpy)
  53. Mary had a little lamb. Until it died. (@CatsGrumpy)
  54. I’m sure by the time Ted Mosby finishes his story, his son will grow up to be the 40 year-old virgin.
  55. Instead of wine, I’ve ordered a glass of water for my date. We’re now waiting for Jesus to surprise us.
  56. Me: I like that….. Me: *looks at price tag*…… Me: *walks away*
  57. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? He couldn’t control his pupils. (@omgthatspunny)
  58. When I was born, I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half… ‏(@Hilarious_Idiot)
  59. Why would anyone want to kill innocent children? Don’t they know we have people like the Kardashians out there?
  60. My favorite bible verse is the one about how you have to share every christian picture on facebook to get into heaven. (@Hilarious_Idiot)
  61. A house isn’t a home unless there’s wifi. (@Hilarious_Idiot)
  62. *Opens math book* *Slowly begins to cry* *Closes math book* (@Hilarious_Idiot)
  63. The awkward moment when you try and explain memes and rage comics to your parents…
  64. A fat girl at McDonalds ordered a Diet Coke with her meal. She didn’t find it funny when I said “Order a normal coke you deserve a day off”.
  65. Can you do me a favor? Stand in front of my car. I need to test my brakes.

Best Joke Ever: MY LOVE LIFE


I posted the funniest tweets of the week last Friday together with some of the names to the original twitter accounts. The tweets were so many though, so today I post the 4th group of psychotic humor! Share the laughter…and follow the twitter accounts if you happen to love them as much as I do :-)

We’re getting married in July, you should probably propose before then (@OverlyAttachedGirlfriend)

I’m not overly attached. I’m just enthusiastic about our relationship! (@OverlyAttachedGirlfriend)

Hey girls, if a guy ever texted you the heart emoticon, he also fantasizes about your brother.

Yes, I’m single. No, I am not available.

Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care…

Can someone please explain what “friends with benefits” means..Does he provide her with health insurance or something?

One of these days the love of your life will walk right past you & you’re gonna be staring at your phone tweeting about how lonely you feel.

Unspeakable tragedies will strike you this week, but the look on your face will just be priceless. (@HorribleScopes)

#WhatMakesMeSmile Telling police they can’t arrest me because I have swag. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Asked the waiter if they have strong coffee & he said “we do but you have to come & help me fight it” & we laughed & laughed & he’s dead.

Pain is temporary. Your ugliness is forever.

Teach kids that violence is bad by beating them.

Push your car to work to save fuel. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Hate going to work? Kill your boss. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Want to find out if God is real? Kill yourself. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Re-tweet if you weren’t invited to your parents wedding.

A cop stopped me & said “license please” so I offered him a donut & said “I donut have one” & we laughed & laughed & I’m arrested.

Find out who your real friends are by burning their homes down and seeing which ones still like you. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Laughter will surround you this week, but it will mysteriously stop when you turn around to see what’s so funny.(@HorribleScopes)

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Incidentally, it is also the third-to-last day of the rest of your life.(@HorribleScopes)

You will be lonely for all of eternity because of your hideous face. (@HorribleScopes)

Saturn in your sign means that you are still single because you’re too choosy, but Jupiter and Venus know it’s because you’re so goddamn fat. (@HorribleScopes)

You will be beaten mercilessly this week by middle-aged white men when they hear you declare your undying hatred for the Beatles. (@HorribleScopes)

Your long battle with alcohol will finally end this week when you discover heroin. (@HorribleScopes)

The stars show that its time to turn a new leaf. Put down the heroin and try meth for a change. (@HorribleScopes)

Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, “I am a big fat fatty-pants.” (@HorribleScopes)

Sexism is wrong. And being wrong is for women. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

#ivoted ❒ Obama ❒ Romney ✔ Hitler (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

#NobodyLikes it when babies cry. That’s why you shake them. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

If your girlfriend says she would “die for you” then make her prove it. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Don’t worry about figuring out how you’re getting home from the bar tonight. Let the ambulance take you there. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

The good news is that you’re a nice person. The bad news is you’re fat and ugly and have the personality of a fish. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Just because you’re fat it doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy. Skinny people die everyday. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

If you don’t have any friends it’s because you don’t have swag. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Drop out of high school. Kanye West did it. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Can’t afford plastic surgery? Buy Photoshop. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

If you watch Jaws backwards it’s about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Party now. Rehab later. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Don’t spend a lot of money on your wedding. You’re going to get divorced anyways. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Who needs a designated driver when you can take the ambulance home? (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Is the glass half full or half empty? As long as there is whiskey in it, it doesn’t matter. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Name your dog “Syndrome” so when he jumps on the couch you can yell, “Down syndrome!” (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Sometimes karma doesn’t work that’s why revenge is essential. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Keep your house warm this winter by burning it down. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

Sometimes, when I’m at home and you’re at the club, I look at the moon and I can just tell you’re looking at it with me :) (@UnsuspectingBF)

Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom. Think about it….. Take all the time you need.

Wow, 13 year olds are doing drugs and having sex? When I was 13 I was snorting cocaine and planning my fifth murder. (@Bad_Advice_Dog)

And finally… 

(this is just wrong! But I found it Hilarious all the same.)

PSYCHOTIC HUMOR 3


This is a collection of the funniest tweets I have read this week. Share the laughter! :-)

If you send my daughter a text asking her to “send you a pic” I have instructed her to reply with a picture of me and my machete. (@AfricanDad)

I watched ‘Will & Grace’, a sitcom about a Jew and her gay friends sharing a room, and couldn’t help but think…Hitler would have loved this! (@TheFunnyRacist)

If Honey Boo Boo’s mom can find a boyfriend, there’s hope for everyone.

If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit “end” on a call, I would have no friends.

Sorry I didn’t get your text.. LOL JUST KIDDING, I ignored it…

I’ve always stood up for black people. It’s not worth getting stabbed over a seat.(@TheFunnyRacist)

“Pardon me miss, but would you mind moving out of the way?” – White Ludacris.

When Muslim parents use the, “Open wide, here comes the airplane!” technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises? (@TheFunnyRacist)

The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the kettle to boil.

A random toddler just waved at me. I didn’t wave back. Welcome to life and all of its disappointments you little shit.

Today, I got into an argument with a 7 year old. He said that Obama was the 44th President; I said he was the 42nd. Guess who was right. FML

Today, I opened my birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the USA color coded by regional percentage of available men. FML

Today, my wife changed her Facebook status from “married” to “widowed”. I’m scared. FML

Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, I grabbed onto the fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML

Today, I realized that the only boy who ever called me pretty was my 5-year-old brother. My sister then scolded him for lying. FML

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

Say no to drugs…Because if drugs are talking to you, you’ve probably had too much already.

Did Bruno Mars end up catching that grenade because I haven’t heard from him in a while?

I don’t believe in beating my kids. So I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt and Crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

Oh, you want me to join you on Farmville? Let me quit my job of 10 years to help you water your digital crops.

White People Problems: Arriving on time to African parties.

Adolf Hitler: Huge fan of natural selection, just a bit impatient. (@TheFunnyRacist)

Yo momma’s so fat, that she should consider changing her diet and exercising more often.

I’m not a Rocket Scientist…but you’re an idiot.

If ugliness was measured in bricks, you would be the Great Wall of China.

“Daddy, what’s a cross-dresser?” “Ask mommy, he knows.”

THOSE WHO CRITICIZE OUR GENERATION FORGOT WHO RAISED IT.

Teacher: “Why do I hear voices?” Me: “Because you’re crazy?”

I don’t need sleeping pills. I have BOOKS.

My relationship is like an iPhone 5. I don’t have an iPhone 5..

My son and his friends say they like to get “baked”….. I didn’t know they liked to cook? (@RetardedMum)

My son’s friend said he wanted to get “stoned”! What a horrible way to die, why would he say that? (@RetardedMom)

My son said he wants to be a drug dealer. I think he meant pharmacist though. Cute kid!(@RetardedMom)

Why did the fish fall off its bike? Because it’s a fish!  Are you stupid or something?

Sometimes you just gotta burst out and sing, “I’m Sexy and I Know It!”

Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

#IGotDrunkAnd killed 6 million Jews. JK. I wasn’t drunk.(@DictatorHitler)

Why are there a lot of black, single people out there? Research proves that most of us find our partner in the workplace.(@TheFunnyRacist)

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea…” “That’s cool and all, but I’m human.”

I do not stalk my crush…… I simply gather information for specific purposes.

I’m not a stalker. Just a dedicated romantic

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman… it doesn’t matter if it’s Visa or MasterCard

I got 98.998 problems and rounding up numbers is one of them.

Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends. JUST LIKE HITLER

Oh, you are 15 and quit smoking? Wow, so inspiring.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?

I don know why you bother bringing home the gold fish you won from the carnival, we have enough food in the fridge (@AfricanDad)

My fridge is so full of food I have to go hunting for my snacks. #FirstWorldProblems

My ex-girlfriend’s car is parked at my house on Google street view #FirstWorldProblems

I want to show cool posts of me defending gay rights but none of my friends are against it. #FirstWorldProblems

I want to complain about my hotmail account, but then everyone will make fun of me for having a hotmail account. #FirstWorldProblems

Drives a truck… Parks like Hellen Keller. #DontBeThatGuy

Has an instagram… Takes pictures of his meals. #DontBeThatGuy

Orders a drink… Comes with an umbrella. #DontBeThatGuy

Thinks beer is gross… Drinks Smirnoff ice. #DontBeThatGuy

Updates his Facebook status… “Likes” his own Facebook status.#DontBeThatGuy

No you’re Honor…She said LOL in real life; someone had to do something about it! :-(

ME? STALKER? No! I just observe………. behind a tree….. at night.

All my life I thought air was free…until I bought a bag of chips.

If Romney wins, when we visit home for Christmas, the return flights will no longer work (@AfricanDad)

That awkward moment: when you look inside your pocket, and it’s not full of sunshine.

I put important documents in SUCH safe places that I can never find them again.

Of all the utensils invented to eat rice with… How did two sticks win?

I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it. (@MensHumor)

If 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea. Does that mean 1 person enjoys it?

9/11 jokes aren’t funny, they’re just plane wrong.

#KCSE2012 In relation to Pitbull and Bamzigi’s music, define noise pollution.

Oh your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?

Somewhere In the hood, a 5yr old is “droppin it” like its hot while the family is clappin & yellin “Go SHANIQUA! Work it girl!”

When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you’ve been doing since you were 15.

Sitting in a class and thinking, how did this teacher get the job?

The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I’m home alone and my power goes out.

I have like 20 first cousins. My white friend has 4. (@IndianProblems)

If Jamal Buys his sons 100$ bicycles, and his daughter a 200$ Barbie doll house which bank did he rob to get the money?#RacistMathProblems

Achmed has 3 apples. He gives one to Muhammad and one to Hassad. How many are killed in the blast? Show your work.#RacistMathProblems

Jamal has $600 rims on his car. He’s currently traveling at 45 mph. How many illegitimate children does Jamal have?#RacistMathProblems

I make $978 a week. How many lazy people can I support with my taxes? #RacistMathProblems

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. [Why?] Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine. #FinePickUpLines

Juan is traveling 200 mile at 65mph. What time will he reach the border? #RacistMathProblems

Jamal averages 23.2 points per game and has two championships. How long until he dates a Kardashian? #RacistMathProblems

Shanequa goes to the cinema with 3 of her friends. Each ticket costs $9. How loud is Shanequa’s voice during the movie?#RacistMathProblems

How to kill a Spider: Get a tissue, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

A picture speaks a thousand words. But with Photoshop it tells a thousand lies.

If you tYpE LiKe ThiZz, you deserve to be smacked with a dictionary.

Aww u said “BRB shower” and never came back :) your water bill must be high :)

“Extreme Ironing” is an actual sport – People go to remote places just to iron their clothes.

Bad Luck Brian: Phone rings at a funeral. Highway to hell.

Ever see an ugly woman with like 5 kids and wonder to yourself, “Who keeps having sex with you!?”

*Woman gives birth* Woman: I think I’ll name her Sarah. Doctor: I’m sorry, but that name’s already taken. May I suggest Sarah343 or Sarah_12

Instead of splitting the dinner bill, we should just open a savings account together. #OverlyAttachedGirlfriend

There’s always one person you just want to punch in the face….repeatedly..with a hammer.

Let’s get drunk and tell each other everything we’re too afraid to say sober.

Funniest pic of the week goes to…………

Have a lovely weekend! :-)

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!


You may be wondering what’s up with my new theme. Well, I can’t help it..I am a pink lover! Someone once told me, “you’re such a girl!” and I kind of felt conscious about it but really there’s nothing wrong with loving all things bright and pretty! :)

I turn 24 today. Nothing special about the day except that I’m in bed feeling comfy and warm and its raining outside. I am still in my pyjamas sitting in bed with a plate of under-cooked pancakes, bananas, a glass strawberry juice and vodka. Not a great way to celebrate a birthday but I am loving it! It’s like I just learnt to enjoy my own company.

Someone once said, “true laziness is when you get excited over cancelled plans.”  That may be true. I have been hibernating over the past 2 months while waiting for call backs from interviews I have had. And while hibernating and having all the time to myself I have come to learn a few thing about me that I didn’t even know!! According to this personality test I did for one of my interviews I found out that I am a Harmonizer :D This is kind of strange because I have always termed myself a fighter!

So finally  I hit 24! There are a lot of things I previously wanted to achieve by now but life has taught me to let things happen at their own time. There’s no hurry in Africa! (LOL, that statement is just stupid). But anyhow, I am happy and grateful to God for all that I have now and for the ones that will come.

I am glad I finally understand who I am, where I want to go and I am seeking a balanced life. I value long lasting friendships and I prefer routine and security to risk and uncertainty. I am a little bit of an over-achiever; I view the glass as half empty and prefer to be realistic and well grounded. My family is my greatest source of strength and inspiration. I have the tendency to get disinterested and dismissive of unfamiliar things but at 24 I will take control and commit to things I have considered boring in the past as I indulge in my passions. When it comes to love I have learnt that I am a dumb-ass…but who knows, with time I will be wiser in choosing who I date…if not, I have my entire family to help me separate the wheat from the chaff. I still love shopping! I am not growing out of it any time soon. It doesn’t matter if I am 24 or 54…If the resources are available, damn straight I will shop! And I will indulge in a shopping trip whenever the mood strikes!

I like to treat myself well every now and then. I have a passion for fashion and enjoy expressing myself in a different way everyday. I started working out…and I don’t mean going to the gym. I jog around the estate every morning, go swimming at-least twice a week and dance like a crazy person when I am alone in the house. But in all honesty, all this activities just leave me hungry and I end up eating more than I would have if I din’t exercise so maybe I should just keep calm and let nature take its course. The true mark of success is having a stable job, a happy home and great friends.

All in all, An African woman does not age, she matures like wine with time…so, yeah…happy birthday to me :)

PSYCHOTIC HUMOUR 2


A collection of the funniest tweets I have read today. Please share the laughter :D

  • Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars. LOL idiots! They could have downloaded it for free!
  • Me watching Olympics: “Oh wow, that was impressive!” Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!!!
  • HORRIBLE BOSSES: I don’t argue. I just explain why I’m right, in a loud angry tone.
  • When someone calls me ugly I get sad and give them a hug. Life must be so hard for the visually impaired.
  • Three blind mice walk into a pub. They are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
  • On a scale from 1 to Adele, how tough was your breakup?
  • On a scale of North Korea to America…how free are you tonight?
  • Remember kids, if a stranger offers you free drugs… Take them and say thank you, because drugs are expensive.
  • Whoever broke Adele’s heart made her so rich!!!
  • Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
  • If ax*x + bx +c = 0, then what is x?, Fuck it I’ll sell drugs.
  • Police: “What’s your emergency?” Me: “2 girls are fighting over me!” Police: “So what’s the problem sir?” Me: “The ugly one is winning!”
  • Annoying Facebook Girl: #TeamTaken <3 (Breaks up with boyfriend next day)
  • You only live once. LOL just kidding, I’M A CAT
  • One does not simply logout of a friend’s Facebook without making them gay.
  • One does not simply have a good weekend without alcohol.
  • Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
  • First World Problems: My Gay friend is out of town so I don’t know if my outfit looks good or not
  • First World Problems: My mom thinks The Big Bang Theory is funnier than Community.
  • First World Problems: My contact lens is hurting my eye, but I look dorky with glasses!
  • Normal people: “I love it when my boyfriend tells me he loves me.” Me: “I love it when my microwave tells me my food is ready.”
  • “Dude, she just called you British!” “Bloody hell! Darling, hold my tea.”
  • I heard someone was going around pick pocketing midgets… I never thought someone could stoop so low.
  • First World Problems: My girlfriend is using the 52-inch LCD in the living room, so I have to use the 50-incher in the bedroom like some war refugee.
  • What do you call a computer that can sing? A dell.
  • Indian Airlines slogan: A warm experience & motherly treatment… Warm b’coz Air Conditioning doesn’t work & motherly because Air hostesses are above 50.
  • Third World Kid: You mean to tell me, you have more cars than your family members?
  • One does not simply sing quietly if driving alone .
  • To drink at lunch or not to drink at lunch…. That is the question.
  • My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they’re like, “It wasn’t that hard.”
  • When I’m feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar.
  • Me: “I respect everybody’s opinions.” Person: “Your favorite band sucks.” Me: “You ignorant f#ck, do you want to die?”
  • That awkward moment when Pinocchio and Voldemort meet
  • #WaysToPissBlackPeopleOff – Protect your Wi-Fi with password.#WaysToPissWhitePeopleOff – Hack their Wi-Fi.
  • Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!
  • If beer, coffee, or a nap can’t cure it, you’ve got a serious problem.
  • Dad: “A bird told me you are doing drugs.” Boy: “You’re talking to birds and I’m the one doing drugs?!”
  • “Shaggy, u Scooby & Velma go downstairs & check the basement; Daphne & I’ll go upstairs & check the bedrooms.” Well played Fred, well played
  • I can’t wait to tell my kids I was born before the internet.
  • I don’t need a stable relationship, all I need is a stable internet connection.
  • “Losing is not an option.” Actually, it’s one of two options.
  • Can someone please call Carly Rae Jepsen so we can be done with this shit?!
  • Dear girls, Bruno Mars may take 1 grenade for you but we take hundreds. Sincerely, the army.
  • Secrets, something you tell everybody to tell nobody.
  • Girl: I’d rather be called beautiful than sexy. Guy: You’re beautiful. Girl: No I’m not. Guy: What the fuck?
  • I might look like I’m doing nothing but in my head I’m quite busy.
  • OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS! 1) Hold your breath for 10 minutes. 2) Die.
  • White Parents Say: “Good morning, time for school”… Black Parents Say: “Getcha ass up, don’t miss that damn bus!”
  • Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
  • 2012: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion
  • The best part of waking up is when you say “fuck it” and go back to sleep.
  • *Taking a test*…If the answer is false, please explain. Answer: True
  • Friend: Hey, what movie are you gonna watch? Me: “Snakes on a plane” Friend: Really? What is it about? Me: Dinosaurs on bicycles.
  • Just got a text from my ex saying “I miss u.” Should I reply with “LOL” or “LMFAO?”
  • I hate it when I’m wearing my apple bottom jeans and I can’t find my boots with the fur.
  • Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  • Bad Luck Brenda: Sees light at the end of the tunnel. Hit by train.
  • I’m going to hell in so many different religions
  • #NamesIWouldNameMyChild: Stacy. Because then I would be Stacy’s mom, and I would have it going on.
  • Twitter is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in
  • “She’s really nice when you get to know her!” = “She’s a bitch but you’ll get used to it.”
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy vodka. Close enough.
  • I’m a polite person. I’ll tell you excuse me and shut the f*ck up in the same sentence.
  • “Bro, she just called you a stalker!” “Oh hell no! Hold my binoculars….”
  • “Thank God It’s Monday” ~ Your Liver
  • I could be a morning person….if morning happened around noon.
  • Someone who doesn’t eat meat is a vegetarian. Someone who brags about not eating meat is a douchebag.
  • YOLO… sending douchebags to prison since 2012.
  • “You’re like my brother” = “Welcome to the friend-zone”
  • If beer, coffee, or a nap can’t cure it, you’ve got a serious problem.
  • Overly attached Girlfriend: You’re playing hard to get. I’m playing hard to get rid of.
  • My internet wasn’t working the other day. I think my neighbors forgot to pay their bill. How irresponsible of them.
  • 3 words, 11 letters, say it and I’m yours: “Let’s get high”
  • Annoying person: “You need anger management classes.” Me: “You need shut the fuck up classes!”
  • SCHOOL: 2 + 2 = 4. HOMEWORK: 2 + 4 + 2 = 8. EXAM: Juan has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the suns mass .
  • Spongebob: “Can you hear me…?” Patrick: “No, it’s too dark “
  • If a red head guy works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?
  • I have already pirated all the movies that are being shown on my transatlantic flight next week #FirstWorldProblems
  • Although I like people who are very open, I will never become a surgeon.
  • Drink triple. See double. Act single.